I am not looking for pity

This video always sents chills down my spine cause i know excactly what he is talking about.

I know it is very hard to actually describe what you feel if you have it and even harder to understand if you don't.

But just to give a little idea of how bad it can be..
A few years ago i had the worst attack i ever remembered having and luckely have not (yet) experienced one so bad since (although they are still bad).
It was so bad that i actually considered ending it all, simply because i could no longer take the pain.
In the end the only reason for not doing it was that somehow i managed to actually think about it a little longer, eventhough thinking is quite hard when you have so much pain, and somehow realised that this pain was gonna go away and that there was gonna be another day without the pain and that realisation actually stopped me from "pulling the plug".

Imagine having so much pain you start banging your head against the wall in the hope of knocking yourself out.

Now i have been diagnosed with migraine some years ago, however looking through symptoms i have during these attacks (yes i call the attacks) and the fact that for most of the year i am fine, i suspect that i might actually have cluster headache.
Personally i don't care how they call it i just know it hurts like hell, there is absolutely no pain i can compare it with..
I have had brainscans and stuff a few years ago that showed i did not have any scar tissue on my brain (yet) from these headaches.

Most of my attacks start when the wether gets warmer, after summer starts (i have been having attacks for the last 8 days). The attacks will be daily (sometimes several attacks a day) and will last for weeks.
I think the longest period i had lasted over 2 months.
Luckily after that period i will almost have no attacks whatsoever and i am usually fine during the winter months, i might get an occasional one time attack, but most of the time i am pain free until summer starts again.

The pain is always the same, it comes in a matter of minutes and i can pinpoint it to a spot right above my right eye but it will cause pain in the entire right side of my face down to my neck.
Often i will start sweating allover, the right side of my face feels like it is numb/paralysed. My nose will start running (but only the right side) and i will have tears coming out of my right eye.
Inbetween attacks i will usually have what i call a headache, a constant "reminder" that it is still there, i feel it but it isn't bothering me, almost like a shadow hanging in my head.

The only way i have found some relieve is to use ice packs, try to be as relaxed as possible (lay in bed and try to sleep), breath deep and hope for the pain to go away. Moving, screaming etc. actually makes the pain worse for me. But it is very hard to stay relaxed when you have so much pain, you just don't know how to lay down or sit.
I have yet to find anything that really helps, any medication i have tried did not help one bit, "sleeping it off" seems to be the only cure until the next one hits, that is if i don't wake up with one allready.
Basicly i have allready given up on finding a medication that will help.

I have always had bad headaches, at least i always remember having them, but as a kid i was probably lucky, back then an attack would hardly last longer than 15 minutes, i would feel it coming, sit down and wait for it. It would hit hard, the saliva in my mouth would start flowing and i had to run to the bathroom to throw up and after that the headache would be gone.
Throwing up no longer works to relieve the pain nowadays..

Now i am not looking for pity or anything, don't be sorry for me, i just wanted to write this stuff down somewhere as it is hard to talk about this with people that don't know what it is like. Some people actually think you are over exaggerating and just being a pussy about a headache although it is probably just a case of people not knowing what it is like and they should be very happy about that (i am for them).

Cluster headache is also known as the suicide headache, the worst pain known to mankind..

Where is my smelly ebook ?

I'm becoming more and more a fan of ereaders/ebooks.
I allready have a ton of books in my house and definatly am at a point where I say enough is enough, so ebooks are the perfect solution here.

However there is still one thing that I really miss and that's the smell of a book when you stick your nose in it.
Whether it's a brand new book or a ten year old book, each book has it's sent and every now and then you come across a (new) book that smells really good or a really bad one.

I really wish for an ereader that will enable sent for books, have a really old book smell like a really old book and a new book having that really fresh new book sent to it.

Welcome to Hauntshade's Hideout

Welcome to yet another blog.
I felt like i needed a place to put stuff that is not gaming related, for gaming related stuff i have my blog To Worlds Unknown, but sometimes i wanna write about stuff other than gaming and that's where Hauntshade's Hideout comes in.

I will be writing here about all kinds of stuff that might interrestd me, piss me off or random musings.

I might post here often or rarely but if you're interrested in my stuff, keep your eyes out for this blog or subscribe to my feed.